August 19 — A reunion

Maybe it is a gift to be given so much time in this manner.

I stand between joy and  a certain amount of despair I fear, as I live the seconds of each day.

I do not seek realizations intentionally for at this point in my life, to seek them would be like trying to justify my existence. So i have shied away from my own self and I chose silence.

One needs to court humility to be able to look at the world again.

Just now, I tried to look at my heart and it felt as if an invisible hand banged the door close. There is a repelling force and I the owner of this very heart am unable to look at it up close.

I feel that I have outgrown judging myself.  I chose not to as we know that we can be our own worst enemy.

I walk in gratitude for each day that I wake up to and I have decided to befriend myself yet again by re-accepting who I am.   I guess in life we should never stop this practice.

Give me my pen and paper, I will write for it is when I do so that I feel the most freedom…that I feel most myself.

Hello World…

I have had around 33 years on this Earth and counting….

I have learned all the basics( I guess…) and they have become like second nature that it is hard to trace where it starts and ends… vague. I know–  My head is all a clutter now from not writing constantly these 2 or more so years… to echo a friend who used this line a few years back.. I was busy living.

I guess in these my 33 years I have met friends, grew with them, lost them, found them back, made new ones along the way.  Of course, hiding from them is also included I daresay.  Not with an ill will but as all people do, sometimes it is easier to keep silent than talk about the not so rosy parts of one’s life, that doesn’t mean though that we have stopped thinking about them or caring for them… or missing them.

There is a certain part of me that died when I entered secluded life.

Memories have become less vivid.  I would, I think, feel like a stranger in my own High School Reunion because of the years spent in silence trying to look at no less than the invisible God.

This is not an excuse.

Nor is it a complain of what I had done in the past.

It is just an admission of the truth that I feel but haven’t gone around to saying.

I don’t exactly remember who I was before…

I don’t exactly know anymore how to be who I was… and so I have no choice but to be who I am now.

I am smiling as I type these words…

And in my own way– I wish to reach out to those who care to read my entry today.

It is alright to change.  It is good to grow old and older as the years pass by.  As long as we are clear on the road that we trod daily and we are firm that in our heart we are open to accept the changes that we will see and the new persons that we have become over the years.

I am a far cry from the girl with curly hair and long knitted socks that I was before.  I still have the same eyes though, I have made mistakes but I have also made worthwhile ones.

It is deathly quiet in my FB Wall.  I guess I have remained quiet for too long. Ahem…clearing my throat now…

Hello World. I hope life is good to all of you now. And even if Life weren’t I hope we all have learned how to cope.

what a sigh is for me…

Days keep passing and I cannot say STOP…

The world has become smaller and smaller since 2008 set in.  I should open a window and let in some fresh air. Pardon to the readers who come here for my “Korean fixes…”,  this entry will not completely be about any of my addictions. It will just be me venting out the stale ink from my soul. The bottle cap has not been twisted open for such a long time.

Just some ramblings then…

If  any of you don’t mind.

hmmm– to sigh is to say to the world and myself  that:

1.)  I have something to say but I can’t say it.

2.) Darn! What’s that word again?!

3.) Hmmm…forget it.

4.) I have something to say but it’s not worth saying so…

5.)  Life is consistenly the same and it is disappointing.

6.) hayyyy… delicious!

7.) Why can’t I be that? and this?

8.) My mother will never change.

9.) …Neither  will my father… (haha)

10) Where is Gong Yoo when I need him?!

I tend to sigh.  There are a lot of corners in my soul that I frustate by this temporary heave as if I could satisfy it by exhaling and expressing in a little bit of sound the very emotions and substance that make me a living and not only an existing being.

I should stop.

I should start living again…

Some people get so lucky…

 I’m sitting in front of my keyboard.  It’s been a while since I saw the inside of my WordPress dashboard.  I’m so sorry for not responding so promptly to those who left comments and invites– but thank you all so much for showing me all that love ^^–or should I say– for showing our Yoo so much lovin’…

I have been at a loss– at least- a little.   I have started blogging since last year but I didn’t really intend for this to be all about Yoo.  It just sort of happened.

I guess I got lucky (like many of us have)–

We can say that we got lucky when, after searching for a lo-oo-oo-ng time, we find something that occupies our time (or our free time– at the very least) effortlessly.  We can say that we got lucky when life surprises us and makes us see a bit of ourselves in others and therefore learn a lot about ourselves and where we should start walking and going in the future.

We get lucky when we have these life- altering encounters.  We are changed and we begin to walk differently. Talk differently. Smile differently and even eat differently.

I guess finding people and things to love make us really lucky to have found them at all.  Otherwise, we would not have loved, had we not found them…

Am I making any sense?

Well– I just wanted to say tonight on the first day after the Lunar New Year that even though life can a beyotch sometimes,  there are instances when we can get lucky and you know— feel good that we are living in this time and age and not in any other.

So there…

Let’s be thankful for the little surprises that life deals to us.

I see the prism in my hands…

Life is beautiful. I have heard it said… but what beauty is, does anybody really know?

Beauty is like holding a prism in your hand, turning it around as it catches the sun. The rays of light strike the prism and produce different shades. I stand in the middle of the busy street and I hold out my hands…to catch a ray of Yoo.

The human heart is stunned by glimpses of brilliance. I guess that is why I am so caught by Gong Yoo right now–I guess that is why I was so drawn to Coffee Prince.

The fact that I lost all my files–my downloaded vids of CP, my pictures of GY and other important stuff—allows me the space to back up a little and try to look at the prism I hold in my hands more purely.

Choi Han Kyul just took my heart away. When he was a sophisticated Korean elite in the first episode of CP, I thought that he was quite the charmer. He charmed the lady at the airplane who played cards with him. He unknowingly charmed the jajangmyun delivery “boy” with his looks. His mother and grandmother were head over heels in love with him too.

He had stayed in New York for some five years, doing I don’t know what… or investing on films perhaps? He talked about it with Choi Han Seong when they met at the club in one of the scenes.

I originally watched CP because of Yeh. I loved her in Goong which was introduced to my by my aunt. It was because of Yeh and the plot of the story as I started to view episode one at Veoh. It was entertaining and light. I really wanted to watch something like that amidst the tragedy of my so-called life right now.

But as I watched, I started to love this Han Kyulian character who just—well, is not a character. He was a charmer one moment then a vulnerable man the next. He was an ogre–then a marsh mallow– he breaks your heart with his cold words one second and then pulls the you into a bone crushing hug the next. He is one complex man who is just so…uhm–lovable.

HGGY2

GY3GY4

(thanks to aahl for the pictures at Gong Yoo Lover)

It is not everyday that the sun shines so brightly like today as I continue to stand gazing at the prism in my hands…

It is not everyday that we meet a guy like this one…

I sigh and open my purse to lovingly keep the prism inside.

I sigh and wish that like Eun Chan, I would be brave enough to throw my helmet, my security at the offender and in so doing—open doors that will allow me to see and meet a man such as this one…

One Fine Day…

            It was three am when I turned in last night.   I was religiously viewing a new series called One Fine Day at Veoh.  I like Koreans.  They cry when they need to.   They know how to have fun. They shout and express what needs to be said.  They hate, they love… they fight for life and take what they want without apologies.  They know how to live and for that matter die.

I always thought myself to be a risk taker.  My family is a family of gamblers.  My grandma leaves the house everyday for mahjong and pusoy dos.   My grandfather married my grandmother.  My parents eloped at 18 and are now living separate lives.  I too have fought my own battles and risked some — I loved,  got my heart broken, made commitments and found myself too weak to keep them.

I always thought myself a seeker of truth.  I have found the grandest truth in the reality that there is a God.  I dared to love him and wished to do so completely— I am without creativity though in this love and in the process I have lost a little of myself…as is normal.  I walk the path still of a seeker.  The world moves around me and the ground I stand on shifts also.

In One Fine Day, the constant thing which pulled everything together was the love that was born between the two main characters, Gun and Ha Neul (In Korean, both name means The Sky).  This love which was true— it survived separation,time passing, deaths, tragedies and all else.  This love still managed to be pure in the end.

Saranghe

It is a cliche yes… Love makes the world go round.

It is a song and yes it is overly used…Love is the answer.

Love is real, pierces through eternity where nothing else can.

It is the closest thing one can ever get in knowing God.  When one has found it, one has found God.  When one has found it, one has been saved in a sense.

We find it too in different ways and in different times.

I just hope that I may find it and that I may look for it in the right place.

I hope  that as I search, he too is searching for me—

I hope against hope that whoever he is— we may reach that space and clearing and that one fine day, when we will find one another…