August 19 — A reunion

Maybe it is a gift to be given so much time in this manner.

I stand between joy and  a certain amount of despair I fear, as I live the seconds of each day.

I do not seek realizations intentionally for at this point in my life, to seek them would be like trying to justify my existence. So i have shied away from my own self and I chose silence.

One needs to court humility to be able to look at the world again.

Just now, I tried to look at my heart and it felt as if an invisible hand banged the door close. There is a repelling force and I the owner of this very heart am unable to look at it up close.

I feel that I have outgrown judging myself.  I chose not to as we know that we can be our own worst enemy.

I walk in gratitude for each day that I wake up to and I have decided to befriend myself yet again by re-accepting who I am.   I guess in life we should never stop this practice.

Give me my pen and paper, I will write for it is when I do so that I feel the most freedom…that I feel most myself.

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Ramblings…

It was drizzling as I sat by the window.  I looked out as the bus passed by the streets quietly moving unceremoniously through the not so busy traffic of a normal weekday. It was not a usual sight and so I had to take a snapshot.

It reminded me of something.  Something I heard in Philo 101 and it was all about a thing called “wonder”.  We go by the same streets everyday en route to God knows where we are heading. We might see the same signs, the same buses, even the same people, but we need to keep our eyes open.  We need to look again.

Looking again is a revisiting of the usual with eyes a little bit more open for the not  so usual.  If we  don’t keep an eye open life can become  a ritualistic piece of machine. The world can speak to us but we need to be open.

Hmm… what caused this awakening?

It is surprising what a death in the family can do.  An unexpected death all the more so. My brother-in law dies via a motorcycle accident.  He was healthy, fit and conscientious with his diet and even abs. He has three kids, the youngest being barely four.  He goes out one December night on a motorcycle that he has driven for some 3-4 years already after throwing a despedida party for himself at home ( it seems he had a plane ticket to go abroad as he wanted to try his luck again outside of the country).  He is some 1 kilometer away from his house and he meets another motorcycle with three passengers, gets hit by the side of his own and skids to a stop, being thrown in midair and hitting his head on the ground fatally.  As the adage goes, he never knew what hit him.

His wife and the his whole household is awakened by the news that he was rushed to the hospital by one of his brothers  who he was with that night but whom he left at the place where they were.  ‘He wasn’t there anymore, when they brought him to the hospital”  his wife said when I talked to her.  But they tried to keep him in oxygen support and tried to revive  him a couple of times before they finally accepted the fact that he was gone. He was just 38 years old and yesterday, they were supposed to have celebrated their 11th year anniversary as husband and wife.

There is more to his story that I do not know.  I just know and tell my husband who is in deep grief that, his youngest and closest brother has a mission that he has to fulfill with God.  He is not gone but is even closer to us because he is with God. It is both magical and scary this thing called death.  Magical because one sees and experiences that yes, there is something out there outside of LIFE. Yes, we can continue to feel those we love who has gone ahead of us and yes they remember us and continue to love us.  Scary because, those who are left  behind stay in a “tomblike” existence for some time, and it is like literally staying in front of the tomb or the grave.  I have felt Death’s presence, we can all say after this experience. A presence to reckon with. Something that you can’t shake off. Something real.

We stay in silence in front of him and somewhat speak to him in a child’s tone and we ask “Why?”  Why him… why not somebody else… why now? why so soon? etc etc etc

We stay in silence and even though it is unnoticed, we all think and ask ” How about me? How about him or her?” I catch myself many times looking at my slumbering husband each night to check…”Is he breathing?” It is unnerving.  I guess  it is part of the whole experience.

It is a grace to those who are left behind in one sense because we have been given a taste of it and therefore we begin to ask… What do I do now?  What is left for me to do?

And maybe that is why yesterday, I bought myself a notebook and a pen.  Maybe that is why when I think of the present and the future now, there is an awareness of the question… have I really loved those who have been given to me? Have I loved enough, have I served enough, have  I asked forgiveness, have I forgiven… have I shared and cultivated what God has given me?

Sometimes, I think to myself, what have I left to share? Writing my thoughts… sharing what I see may be a venture in pride exhibition of what I think I can do and say. And so, I choose not to think anymore. I will write and continue because I think and feel that in doing so I become more of the person my Creator has made me to be.

I have nothing much to give but at the very least I have “something” to say.

I remember one of my talks with my sister in law. She was crying and sobbing saying… I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! I gave him everything… I wanted him to have all.. I gave him all that I can give.. I love him so much!

I do not know what to say in the face of such grief, I think we can really not say anything to appease the pain or to comfort.  I just told her to LOVE SOME MORE… This is the last act of LOVE for him here on Earth that you can do… LET HIM GO… GIVE HIM to God… this is what he needs you to do.  However much you love him, he cannot stay with you in this way, you need to accept, you need to make this ACT of LOVE and say farewell… Then he can love you and your kids more fully in the way that is possible for him at this point…

Death is both ugly and beautiful. It is human and hopefully divine…

 

 

what a sigh is for me…

Days keep passing and I cannot say STOP…

The world has become smaller and smaller since 2008 set in.  I should open a window and let in some fresh air. Pardon to the readers who come here for my “Korean fixes…”,  this entry will not completely be about any of my addictions. It will just be me venting out the stale ink from my soul. The bottle cap has not been twisted open for such a long time.

Just some ramblings then…

If  any of you don’t mind.

hmmm– to sigh is to say to the world and myself  that:

1.)  I have something to say but I can’t say it.

2.) Darn! What’s that word again?!

3.) Hmmm…forget it.

4.) I have something to say but it’s not worth saying so…

5.)  Life is consistenly the same and it is disappointing.

6.) hayyyy… delicious!

7.) Why can’t I be that? and this?

8.) My mother will never change.

9.) …Neither  will my father… (haha)

10) Where is Gong Yoo when I need him?!

I tend to sigh.  There are a lot of corners in my soul that I frustate by this temporary heave as if I could satisfy it by exhaling and expressing in a little bit of sound the very emotions and substance that make me a living and not only an existing being.

I should stop.

I should start living again…

I’m back.. hell yea… I’m back…

I’m a little lost…

Ummm… WordPress has turned sophisticated on me, in my pretty long absence.  Ahem.

It’s kind of funny that my last entry was bannering the title..deliberating on my distractions…(part 1) I was determined to write the Part 2 but (sheepish)  I got so distracted that …well… I didn’t get around to emptying my thoughts here. Sigh.

I have become so rustied that I find myself groping for words. Tragic!

But I’m back.. hell yea… I’m back–

Currently,  I’m way in over my neck with my Korean students (not to mention bosses) and there– then again I am lost– there’s something about being lost that kind of attracts me and repels me at the same time— (Aside)  For spiritual folks out there– it’s going to be Good Shepherd Sunday soon– so please whisper a prayer for me– Let me not get lost anymore!—(Aside finished) Help me please find my way…

What’s going on?

Work leaves me  for the majority of the day in front of the computer– working with books and  having classes.  At the end of the day– I ask myself where have the hours gone to?

Needless to say. It feels good to be here.

I’ll run off for now though, and be on the lookout for material to think and write about…

Here’s to life…

Here’s to hello’s…

Deliberating on my distractions…(part 1)

I’d like to divide my distractions as such:

DELIBERATE…

INSPIRED…

Starting off with my deliberate distractions…

DELIBERATE–

1 : characterized by or resulting from careful and thorough consideration <a deliberate decision> 2 : characterized by awareness of the consequences <deliberate falsehood> 3 : slow, unhurried, and steady as though allowing time for decision on each individual action involved <a deliberate pace>…      Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary says.

Come to think of it, can a distraction ever be deliberate? If so, might it not better to call it a hobby or an interest at the most? ( I digress and argue with myself…)

Well, it might have started as an interest or a hobby, and then transformed itself into a full blown distraction.

1. It was YI SAN, all 75 episodes of it as featured in this site.

(…and still going…)

What made me so distracted with it, that I decided day by day, deliberately, to wait oh- so patiently for the videos to load so that I can follow the drama?  Was it the costumes? Was it the cute boy who played Yi San? Was it the fat Dae Su, who tried ever so hard never to become an eunuch by protecting his um from being… you know.  Or was it the little girl who played Song Yeon with that sweet smile and crazily white teeth?

I don’t know what it was, but it caught me.  It wasn’t like the Coffee Prince mania- which by the way is going to be one year old this July 2008- that kept me awake in the wee hours of the morning till daybreak so I can watch it at Veoh.  It was more like a gentle charm that made me stay and wait for those buffering videos some more.

My back ache though, and the effect of those 75 episodes ( 1 hour each!) to my abdomen is something I do not want to DELIBERATE about, excuse me.  I lost a lot of hours, which I should have spent hip hop abs-ing myself into oblivion, so my boyfriend can say… wow… those abs!  But well… to each his own…

Friendship. Loyalty. Love. Betrayal. Hatred. TREASON…

Everything was there.  Love for a king is not a reality in my world.  I don’t know anything about it. I saw through Yi San though, how a subject can love his sovereign. It was DEVOTION that I saw.  It really made an impression on me.

I’m also touched by the delicateness of the love of the women in this drama.  Or their treachery…

I’ll return to this images— they’re worth distracting myself again– this time through remembrances…

How time flies…

I remember a conversation from a long long time ago..

It went like this…

Friend: “I’m supposed to be working on a script, but I haven’t done anything yet… arrgghhh..How about you? Working on anything new?”

Me: “Well, I kind of finished the work I was supposed to do, so…”

Friend: “Good for you…”

Me: : “How come you haven’t done yours yet?”

Friend: (sheepishly arrogant)  ” I was busy living… ya’know… ”

Me: Oh, ok…alright.. whatever…

I bring this up to contend an issue.

Dare I give this as an excuse and prologue to what I write today?

Dare I say that I was busy living and therefore had no time–whatsoever– to open my WordPress blog up to the point that I kind of logged in the wrong User ID twice?

Dare I excuse my crime by pleading the worst kind of excuse…

“I was busy living”?!!!

Shall I dig my own grave then, by doing so?

I used to ask myself, “What my friend, does it mean to live to the fullest?” I had some very popular notions and I was reckless in proclaiming them when I was at a younger age.  I was a little like, St. Francis of Assisi, for those coming from the fervently Catholic denominations but  for those whose taste run more along the,… well, gutter, I guess, I was also like Britney Spears who reflect the essence of the word “radically challenged” which is really just a politically correct way of saying foolish.  I have been known  to also make a lot of rash or radical decisions before.

So my excuse won’t be that I was busy living.  I guess, I was just distracted. It’s good to be distracted at times right?   It brings things into focus after some time has passed.

And so here I am again, in front of my writing tablet.

I’ll let you in on my distractions by and by…

Some people get so lucky…

 I’m sitting in front of my keyboard.  It’s been a while since I saw the inside of my WordPress dashboard.  I’m so sorry for not responding so promptly to those who left comments and invites– but thank you all so much for showing me all that love ^^–or should I say– for showing our Yoo so much lovin’…

I have been at a loss– at least- a little.   I have started blogging since last year but I didn’t really intend for this to be all about Yoo.  It just sort of happened.

I guess I got lucky (like many of us have)–

We can say that we got lucky when, after searching for a lo-oo-oo-ng time, we find something that occupies our time (or our free time– at the very least) effortlessly.  We can say that we got lucky when life surprises us and makes us see a bit of ourselves in others and therefore learn a lot about ourselves and where we should start walking and going in the future.

We get lucky when we have these life- altering encounters.  We are changed and we begin to walk differently. Talk differently. Smile differently and even eat differently.

I guess finding people and things to love make us really lucky to have found them at all.  Otherwise, we would not have loved, had we not found them…

Am I making any sense?

Well– I just wanted to say tonight on the first day after the Lunar New Year that even though life can a beyotch sometimes,  there are instances when we can get lucky and you know— feel good that we are living in this time and age and not in any other.

So there…

Let’s be thankful for the little surprises that life deals to us.